Episódios

  • Your Pain, Their Power: How Narcissists Feed on Relationships

    Your Pain, Their Power: How Narcissists Feed on Relationships
    Nov 21 2024
    Ever wonder why a narcissist seems to feed off your emotional pain? Do you find yourself constantly trying to prove your worth in relationships while the other person maintains the upper hand? Tony Overbay, LMFT, discusses the complexities of narcissistic relationships and emotional immaturity. Tony explores concepts like the false self, the one-up, one-down dynamic, and antagonistic attachment styles in depth. He uncovers how narcissistic traits manifest in relationships, causing deep emotional trauma and affecting whole families. Learn about the destructive patterns of predation, competition, and parasitism in narcissistic behavior from the article “Understanding the Narcissists Antagonisitic Attachment Style” by Julie Hall, creator of “The Narcissist Family Files” https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissist-in-your-life/202107/understanding-the-narcissists-antagonistic-attachment-style Tony shares insights on reclaiming your sense of self by recognizing these unhealthy dynamics. Special thanks to Riley Hope for her song 'Not My Job,' which serves as the show's anthem. You find Riley Hope's "Not My Job" streaming information here: https://linktr.ee/rileyhopematlock 00:00 Introduction and Welcome 00:43 Listener's Question on Narcissism 01:39 Understanding Narcissistic Behavior 04:15 Exploring Narcissistic Relationships 05:26 Antagonistic Attachment Style 15:23 One-Up, One-Down Dynamics 18:56 Real-Life Examples of Narcissistic Patterns 24:17 Introduction to Human Attachment 24:42 Secure vs. Antagonistic Attachment 25:55 Predatory Relationships 29:57 Narcissistic Competition 33:18 Parasitic Dynamics 33:49 Coercion and Control 40:18 The Mask of Narcissism 42:57 The Ripple Effect of Narcissistic Abuse 45:02 Empowerment and Healing 47:54 Conclusion and Next Episode Preview
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    52 minutos
  • What Do You Stand For? From People-Pleasing to Self-Discovery: A Journey of Character and Integrity

    What Do You Stand For? From People-Pleasing to Self-Discovery: A Journey of Character and Integrity
    Nov 5 2024
    Are you truly living in alignment with your values, or do the expectations of others shape you? How do you begin to define your own character when emotional immaturity and narcissism are at play in your relationships? In this episode, we dive deep into what it means to build a sense of character and integrity—especially for those who may have spent years putting others’ needs above their own. Through stories, reflection, and therapeutic insight, we’ll explore how a pathologically kind person can break free from people-pleasing patterns and begin to understand their true values and beliefs. Discover how character is not only about the values you hold but also what you’re willing to tolerate or excuse in yourself and others. We’ll unpack David Schnarch’s Four Points of Balance to guide you in building a strong, flexible sense of self, showing how true integrity is about standing steady in your own identity, even when external pressures try to sway you. Join us to learn how you can move beyond external validation, live from your core, and start showing up as your authentic self in all your relationships. You find Riley Hope's "Not My Job" streaming information here: https://linktr.ee/rileyhopematlock 00:00 Introduction and Welcome 00:17 Listener Engagement and Social Media 01:13 Riley Hope's Anthem 01:38 Evander's Story Begins 02:32 The Social Club Dilemma 04:02 Sam's Concerns and Evander's Changes 06:35 Tony's Personal Reflection 11:48 Understanding Integrity and Character 17:51 Tom and Jerry: A Case Study 29:10 Navigating Relationships with Integrity 34:53 Navigating Integrity and Character in Relationships 35:18 Challenges for the Pathologically Kind Person 37:47 Understanding Emotional Immaturity and Narcissism 46:12 Pat and Chris: Real-Life Scenarios 53:31 Breaking Free: Strategies for Pat 01:01:31 Constructing the Crucible for Personal Growth 01:08:46 Final Thoughts on Integrity and Self-Discovery Are you truly living in alignment with your values, or do the expectations of others shape you? How do you begin to define your own character when emotional immaturity and narcissism are at play in your relationships? In this episode, we dive deep into what it means to build a sense of character and integrity—especially for those who may have spent years putting others’ needs above their own. Through stories, reflection, and therapeutic insight, we’ll explore how a pathologically kind person can break free from people-pleasing patterns and begin to understand their true values and beliefs. Discover how character is not only about the values you hold but also what you’re willing to tolerate or excuse in yourself and others. We’ll unpack David Schnarch’s Four Points of Balance to guide you in building a strong, flexible sense of self, showing how true integrity is about standing steady in your own identity, even when external pressures try to sway you. Join us to learn how you can move beyond external validation, live from your core, and start showing up as your authentic self in all your relationships. You find Riley Hope's "Not My Job" streaming information here: https://linktr.ee/rileyhopematlock 00:00 Introduction and Welcome 00:17 Listener Engagement and Social Media 01:13 Riley Hope's Anthem 01:38 Evander's Story Begins 02:32 The Social Club Dilemma 04:02 Sam's Concerns and Evander's Changes 06:35 Tony's Personal Reflection 11:48 Understanding Integrity and Character 17:51 Tom and Jerry: A Case Study 29:10 Navigating Relationships with Integrity 34:53 Navigating Integrity and Character in Relationships 35:18 Challenges for the Pathologically Kind Person 37:47 Understanding Emotional Immaturity and Narcissism 46:12 Pat and Chris: Real-Life Scenarios 53:31 Breaking Free: Strategies for Pat 01:01:31 Constructing the Crucible for Personal Growth 01:08:46 Final Thoughts on Integrity and Self-Discovery
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    1 hora e 15 minutos
  • Navigating Societal Expectations, Faith Crisis and Personal Growth - the Allegory “Off the Beaten Path”

    Navigating Societal Expectations, Faith Crisis and Personal Growth - the Allegory “Off the Beaten Path”
    Oct 23 2024
    Tony Overbay, LMFT explores themes of faith journeys, parental expectations, communication, differentiation, and self-discovery through an allegorical story titled 'Off the Beaten Path: Finding Love and Self in a World of Conformity.' The narrative follows a young man named Ansel, who grapples with societal expectations, familial pressures, and his journey toward self-acceptance. Through meaningful encounters and introspection, Ansel learns to embrace his individuality amidst traditional, religious, and cultural norms. This episode also highlights the importance of personal integrity the challenges of navigating faith and family systems, and encourages listeners to explore their unique talents and values. Tony invites the audience to share their stories and questions about their own faith and family journeys for future episodes. 00:00 Welcome and Introduction 01:17 “Not My Job” song by: Riley Hope 02:48 The Power of Writing and Poetry 05:26 Exploring Allegories 06:44 Off the Beaten Path: Ansul's Journey Begins 12:14 Ansul's Struggles and Self-Discovery 16:17 Meeting Maris: A New Connection 17:52 Seeking Guidance: Ansul's Dilemma 18:31 Ansul's Realization and Self-Acceptance 19:00 Building a Relationship with Maris 20:42 Themes of the Allegory: Individuality vs. Conformity 22:32 Exploring Faith and Doubt 22:53 Coming of Age and Self-Discovery 23:30 Truth, Knowledge, and Intergenerational Expectations 25:34 Curiosity, Love, and Acceptance 26:38 Personal Growth Through Discomfort 27:19 Diversity of Thought and Self-Acceptance 29:24 Navigating Difficult Journeys of Faith and Family 31:00 Encouragement for Personal Growth and Authenticity 33:02 Conclusion and Call to Action If you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP://www.tonyoverbay.com If you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP:www.tonyoverbay.com
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    35 minutos
  • When Advice Goes Wrong: The Impact of Inaccurate Guidance in Narcissistic Relationship

    When Advice Goes Wrong: The Impact of Inaccurate Guidance in Narcissistic Relationship
    Oct 14 2024
    Tony Overbay, LMFT, discusses the potentially harmful effects of an article titled “What Is Disarming A Narcissist? 12 Simple Ways To Do So” (https://tinyurl.com/2u8d7sjb) that oversimplifies interactions with narcissists. He distinguishes between Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the broader spectrum of emotional immaturity, emphasizing the small percentage of diagnosed cases of narcissistic personality disorder. Tony critiques the casual and inflated use of the term 'narcissist' and clarifies that real narcissism and emotional immaturity come with significant implications in relationships. He breaks down the common traits of emotional immaturity, such as anger management issues and lack of accountability, and stresses the need to understand one's emotional maturity level. Tony also passionately refutes a technique involving empathy as a means to reach narcissists, highlighting its ineffectiveness and potential harm. This episode provides invaluable insights into protecting oneself from narcissistic abuse, the importance of setting healthy boundaries, and the journey toward emotional growth. 00:00 Introduction to Narcissism and Emotional Immaturity 01:44 Understanding Emotional Immaturity 05:49 The Spectrum of Emotional Maturity 06:55 A Personal Anecdote on Emotional Maturity 11:07 Exploring Empathy and Narcissism 15:45 Critique of Simplistic Solutions for Narcissism 18:52 The Complexity of Narcissistic Relationships 22:55 Ineffective Communication Strategies with Narcissists 25:42 Understanding Narcissistic Supply 27:03 Disarming a Narcissist: Tips and Challenges 29:39 The Complexity of Empathy with Narcissists 33:57 The Path to Differentiation and Self-Care 46:54 Concluding Thoughts on Narcissism If you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP://www.tonyoverbay.com If you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP:www.tonyoverbay.com
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    49 minutos
  • Understanding the "Attack Surface" in Narcissistic /Emotionally Immature Relationships (When Vulnerability Goes Bad!)

    Understanding the "Attack Surface" in Narcissistic /Emotionally Immature Relationships (When Vulnerability Goes Bad!)
    Oct 1 2024
    Have you ever opened up to someone, only to have your vulnerability used against you? In this episode of Waking Up to Narcissism, we introduce the concept of the “attack surface”—that uncomfortable dynamic where emotionally immature or narcissistic partners turn your honesty into their weapon of control. We’ll also explore how this need for control originates from emotional immaturity, dive into the origin story of our deep-seated fear of abandonment, and discuss practical ways to develop your emotional maturity. From separating observations from judgments to the 4 Points of Balance in differentiation, this episode offers tools to help you confront unresolved personal issues in relationships with integrity and create healthier, more connected interactions. Are you in the mental health profession and are curious about using AI (artificial intelligence) notes? Check out Berries, the notes Tony described in today's episode. Click here https://berries.icu/?code=4952 Or use code Tony50 when you sign up to get $50 off your first month of Berries revolutionary AI, HIPPA-compliant mental health notes. If you are interested in seeing an example of a note, email tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com. 00:00 Introduction and Welcome 00:18 Speaking Engagements and Personal Anecdotes 03:13 The Concept of Attack Surface 11:36 Real-Life Example: Alex and Taylor 15:03 Understanding Emotional Immaturity 22:39 Control as a Defense Mechanism 26:57 Origins of Fear and Emotional Abandonment 28:02 Example Scenario: Jamie and Sam 29:09 Sam's Fear and Defensive Reactions 31:00 The Impact of Emotional Immaturity 38:21 Observations vs. Judgments 42:08 Developing Emotional Maturity 45:22 The Four Points of Balance 49:55 Confronting Personal Issues with Integrity If you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP://www.tonyoverbay.com If you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, HTTP:www.tonyoverbay.com
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    53 minutos
  • How Much Gaslighting Does a Gaslighter Gaslight if a Gaslighter Doesn’t Know They Gaslight? - Part 2

    How Much Gaslighting Does a Gaslighter Gaslight if a Gaslighter Doesn’t Know They Gaslight? - Part 2
    Sep 21 2024
    Have you ever felt like you're losing your grip on reality in a relationship? Does your partner's behavior leave you constantly second-guessing yourself? You might be experiencing gaslighting, a form of emotional manipulation that can shake the very foundations of your self-perception. In part 2 of “Gaslighting’s Greatest Hits: The Top Lies You Believed About Yourself”, we dive deep into the murky waters of gaslighting, exploring everything from unintentional mind games to deliberate, narcissistic abuse. Tony unpacks real-life examples of gaslighting in action, decodes the tactics of emotional immaturity, and sheds light on the narcissistic traits that fuel this behavior. You'll learn how to spot the signs of gaslighting, understand its impact on your psyche, and discover strategies to break free from its grip. Whether you're dealing with a 'nice guy' trapped in a cycle of silent suffering or navigating a relationship with an emotionally immature partner, this episode offers invaluable insights and practical advice. 00:00 Introduction and Gaslighting Jokes 00:28 Welcome to Episode 120 00:36 Recap of Previous Gaslighting Episode 02:08 Introduction to Gaslighting Basics 02:31 Understanding Emotional Immaturity 05:26 Types of Gaslighting 05:45 Unaware Gaslighting 16:40 Feeling Like Something's Off 17:15 Marker 20:15 Knowing It's Wrong but Not Seriously Harmful 25:13 Gaslighting Tactics Unveiled 25:44 Emma's Story: A Case of Workplace Gaslighting 28:30 The Nice Guy Syndrome: Tom's Struggle 36:45 The Abusive Partner: Jack and Diane 38:34 Projection: A Deep Dive 42:03 Narcissistic Double Standards 45:45 Recognizing and Reclaiming Your Life If you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.com If you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.com
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    49 minutos
  • Pathological Kindness: When Caring, Trying, and Empathizing Too Much Can Be Bad For Your Health

    Pathological Kindness: When Caring, Trying, and Empathizing Too Much Can Be Bad For Your Health
    Sep 11 2024
    Do you find yourself constantly putting others' needs before your own? Have you ever wondered if being "too kind" could actually be harmful to your relationships and well-being? In today’s crossover episode - Tony Overbay, a licensed marriage and family therapist, explores the complex concept of pathological kindness in relationships. Through a listener's letter from 'Cleo,' Tony delves into the challenges faced by those who prioritize others' needs to their detriment, often rooted in childhood experiences of being the family peacemaker. Cleo's story highlights issues with her emotionally inconsistent partner, Ray, unveiling the struggles of living with someone emotionally immature or narcissistic. Tony discusses recognizing these patterns, including the role of cognitive dissonance and trauma bonding in maintaining unhealthy relationships. He explores how highly sensitive people (HSPs) may be particularly vulnerable to these dynamics. The episode emphasizes the importance of developing a stable core identity, setting boundaries, and balancing kindness with self-care. Tony also touches on the challenges of breaking free from intermittent reinforcement in relationships and recognizing and trusting one's own perceptions. He stresses the role of therapy and self-awareness in breaking free from unhealthy cycles and fostering emotionally mature relationships while also offering hope to those who recognize themselves as the emotionally immature partner and want to change. 00:00 Introduction and Podcast Promotion 01:19 Introducing Cleo's Story 03:16 Cleo's Relationship Struggles 10:38 Understanding Pathological Kindness 16:28 The Impact of Pathological Kindness 21:36 Balancing Kindness and Self-Care 25:09 Exploring Self-Reliance and Its Pitfalls 25:24 The Dual Nature of Optimism 25:40 Understanding Humility and Self-Deprecation 26:26 The Complexities of Honesty 27:09 Patience vs. Passivity 27:24 Competence and Arrogance 28:00 Cleo's Relationship with Ray 29:04 The Struggle of Highly Sensitive People 29:48 The Challenge of Leaving Toxic Relationships 33:23 The Cognitive Dissonance and Trauma Bonding 45:04 The Importance of Self-Care and Boundaries 46:03 Encouragement for Personal Growth If you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.com If you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.com
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    49 minutos
  • Emotional Survival Tips: Responding to Crisis in Narcissistic Relationships

    Emotional Survival Tips: Responding to Crisis in Narcissistic Relationships
    Sep 3 2024
    Tony Overbay, LMFT, delivers an emergency bonus episode addressing a heartfelt listener email. The episode discusses cognitive dissonance, gaslighting, emotional abuse, scapegoating, and trauma bonding often experienced in relationships with narcissists. Tony breaks down the listener's experiences, offering insight into their struggles, including emotional manipulations and prolonged emotional trauma. He emphasizes the importance of recognizing these abusive patterns, seeking help from therapists specializing in narcissistic abuse, and prioritizing self-care and self-compassion. The episode revisits key concepts like whole object relations, object constancy, and cognitive dissonance, encouraging listeners to strive for emotional intelligence and balanced relationships. 00:00 Introduction and Episode Overview 00:21 Emergency Bonus Episode Announcement 01:14 Reading and Analyzing a Listener's Email 04:25 Understanding Gaslighting and Emotional Abuse 12:08 Cognitive Dissonance in Relationships 16:57 Whole Object Relations and Object Constancy 21:10 Understanding Cognitive Dissonance 21:59 Balancing Good and Bad in Relationships 23:11 Empowerment Through Clarity 24:36 Navigating Emotional Trauma 25:49 The Narcissist's Manipulative Tactics 28:20 Therapy and Emotional Manipulation 31:21 Breaking Free from Trauma Bonds 33:58 Self-Reflection and Sanity 39:03 Seeking Help and Moving Forward If you are interested in joining Tony's private Facebook group for women in narcissistic or emotionally immature relationships of any type, please reach out to him at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.com If you are a man interested in joining Tony's "Emotional Architects" group to learn how to better navigate your relationship with a narcissistic or emotionally immature partner or learn how to become more emotionally mature yourself, please reach out to Tony at contact@tonyoverbay.com or through the form on the website, https://www.tonyoverbay.com
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    42 minutos