On this episode of the Single Mom Stories podcast I’m diving into a topic that many listeners—and yours truly—find challenging: body image, the relationship we have with our bodies, and how to positively change this in our culture. In North America, 85-95% of women are either extremely dissatisfied with or flat-out hate their bodies. That’s an epidemic of poor self-image and self-worth, one so widespread that there’s no single cause.

During a recent girls trip with two other  moms, we talked about body image - specifically as it relates to motherhood. The pressures of returning to our pre-baby bodies, changes we face as we age and the challenges in finding the time to care for ourselves. So for this episode, I’m going to discuss how body image can be an intergenerational issue, explain why body positivity can backfire, give you some tools to improve body image —and leave you with some powerful parting words from Mirna Vilero

The Finer Details of This Episode: 

• Changing the expectations around our bodies
• Hating your body
• The disguise of diet culture
• The challenges of self love
• Setting social media boundaries
• Radical self compassion

Quotes: 

“If you've had your own kids, or if you've adopted, we feel pressure to look the way we did before having kids, right.”

“I correlated shrinking myself with success. It just made sense.”

“And using food to control what our body looks like gives us an illusion of safety.”

“You don't have to wait for something to change to accept yourself… Your target will always be moving, if you're always waiting.”

“I think one of the best ways to shift this is to move out of focusing on how your body looks, and instead, what your body can do.”

“Your body, whatever it is, whatever its size, whatever its hair color and hairstyle, however its height, whatever its age is acceptable. Your body is acceptable.”

“I delight in seeing people's looks when I tell them that I finished a 22-mile run.”

Links:

Kelly Travis 

​​Kelly Travis on Instagram

Single Mom Stories Homepage

Single Mom Stories Instagram

On the 16th episode of Single Mom Stories, Kelly introduces the audience to enneagrams.  The Enneagram of Personality is a typology of the nine different personality types, and, as many of you may know already, Kelly is an expert. She uses enneagrams with her clients to highlight their strengths, parenting styles, and where they might have opportunities for growth.  The nine enneagram types in total, and, as Kelly demonstrates today,  we have every number in us.  

In working with Kelly or any other legitimate Enneagram personality expert, clients will find that they might see themselves in multiple types, and there’s a reason for that.  Through the assessment, Kelly helps her clients discover what type they think like, what type they act like, and what type they feel like.  When working with enneagrams, however, the goal is never to change who we are or our personality. Enneagram personality tests help us understand how we behave, why behave that way, and that those around us view the world differently than we do. It’s all about using the tools in your own toolbox, and Kelly introduces it all to you here today. 

The Finer Details of This Episode: 

• Enneagrams
• The Reformer
• The Empathetic Helper
• The Goal-oriented Achiever
• The Individualist
• The Investigator
• The Anxious Loyalist
• The Enthusiast
• The Challenger
• The Peacemaker
• Holding different identities

Quotes: 

“So it gives you these opportunities to go for some milestones in terms of growth and change. Never in using Enneagram is the purpose to change who we are, to change our personality. It's to understand our personality, identify how we can get better, but never to change.”

“Now, the growth here, which probably won't be a surprise if you're one, but it's really to work on becoming less rigid, right, trying to be more spontaneous, learning how to process and express anger properly.”

“So twos tend to neglect their own needs, it doesn't come natural for them to put themselves first to ask for help. And this can lead to burnout, frustration, not allowing time for yourself. And as we know, as parents, we have to have that to be able to show up for our kids’ triggers.”

“What I often say about sixes are they are the ones who bought up the toilet paper at the beginning of COVID. They prepare for the worst case scenario. So as parents, what strengths a loyalist brings is with their trustworthiness, their protection, their loyalty, their skeptical nature, and a healthy sense of responsibility.”

“So of my six clients, and I have quite a few. We do a lot of work around getting out of our head into our body, a lot of breathwork, meditation, and anything that kind of just brings you back to being present.”

“We all have every number in us. So if you take an assessment, you'll learn how different numbers show up in your life and in your personality…when we take an assessment, you'll find out what type you think like, what type you act like, and what type you feel like.”

Links: 

Kelly Travis 

​​Kelly Travis on Instagram

Single Mom Stories Homepage

Single Mom Stories Instagram

On this week’s episode of Single Mom Stories, Kelly welcomes Avigail Gimpel to the show to talk about her work, both personal and professional, involving children living with ADHD. She starts off by addressing the recent spike in prescribing medication and attributes that to people incorrectly using medicine as a form of discipline. Avigail notes that when you really start to listen and pay attention to kids with ADHD, you will find that helping them is about so much more than a dosage. In fact, her own daughter was diagnosed with ADHD only after transferring to a much more pressure filled school. What Gimpel found was that there was an incredible lack of accommodations for children like hers, so she took it upon herself to do the work. 

Gimpel learned that people with ADHD tend to be all or nothing. They may have intense reactions to otherwise minor issues, but if you start to break things down into manageable chunks, you and the child will be able to identify their trigger. Together, she and Kelly draw this episode to a close by talking about the importance of structure, feedback, and boundaries for children living with ADHD, and how Avigail details this and all of her valuable findings in her book, Hyperhealing.

The Finer Details of This Episode:

• Medication for the sake of discipline
• ADHD behaviors in the classroom
• Avigail’s daughter
• Lack of accommodations
• Creating manageable segments
• The value of feedback and boundaries
• Finding comfort in structure

Quotes:

“The most intriguing were the students with ‘special energy’, the ones who were trying to drink from a waterfall instead of a glass. I love that. The ones who dreamed all day but then said something that no one else thought of. The ones whose engines ran on instant gratification… They were creative, funny, out of the box, and struggling.”

“The minute we moved back to Israel, that was a crash and burn. And that's when I went for her diagnosis, because suddenly I put her into a classroom of 28 students and a much more high pressured school where they were not tolerating.”

“It never occurred to me that this amazing kid was a bother to anybody.”

“I just started reading and just dragging information from everywhere in order to help my kids, and that's how the book started taking shape.”

“They're all or nothing. So if they don't get part of the morning right, they wake up a little bit too late, and it all goes in the garbage. ‘Forget it. I'm not getting out of bed’…So we divide that up.”

“I didn't realize that kids with ADHD and adults really too, are more sensitive to others and about things happening to them.”

“A lot of times we look at the kid and say, ‘Just respond normally. What is all of this tantruming? Why are you crying in the supermarket?’…But they're not able to because we didn't help them break it down and really understand what the trigger was.”

“We're not psychologists. We’re moms and dads. So I give the parents the tools to ask the questions a certain way, be patient, and tell your own personal stories. There are things we can do to get the child to be less shameful and to be able to share what they're really feeling.”

“The reason I did it was, because I feel like parents do not have informed consent when it comes to their kid’s intervention program. So the first book really gives the parents an alternative program.”

Links:

Kelly Travis 

​​Kelly Travis on Instagram

Single Mom Stories...

Kelly welcomes Dr. Jennoa Graham to the podcast today to chat about her experience beginning her single mom journey at 15 and making it as an entrepreneur at the same time. Dr. Graham opens up the episode by discussing her uniquely grueling experience of working, going to school, and raising a child full time. Dr. Graham finds that it wasn’t until she had her son that she was forced to reckon with her soldier syndrome and PTSD. And while she attributes her hardworking nature and orderliness to this soldier syndrome, it also prevented her from taking care of herself mentally and emotionally, a common thread that seems to be woven in most single mom stories we’ve listened to here.

Dr. Graham recounts how she was one of the few that was quick to ask for help, but she didn’t wait around for anyone to come and answer her prayers. One of her biggest struggles, however, remains in developing a healthy relationship for herself, noting that she still has a lot of growth to do. Now that her son is 27, out of the house, and successful, she finds that she finally has the time to focus on herself. Dr. Graham closes out today’s episode by emphasizing the importance of role models, especially as this relates to fathers and sons. Children need something positive to look up to, and she provided her son with just that while also being self-aware enough to realize when he needed someone else. Since she was 15, Graham has always put others’ needs first before her own. Now, it’s her turn.

The Finer Details of This Episode:

• Beginning her single mom journey at 15
• Working and going to school full time
• Soldier syndrome
• Missing  out on young, crazy adulthood
• Pursuing her Ph.D and Masters degrees
• Not receiving child support for 8 years
• Asking for support
• Relationship development challenges
• Up next for Graham: community
• The importance of positive role models
• Corporate America

Quotes:

“She is an international public speaker and author, a professor and an adjunct executive team leader. Her 20 year career of combined multinational corporate accounting, and consulting experience reflects core values of transparency, integrity, efficiency, and sustainability resulting in multimillion dollar savings.”

“When I got into my teens, like anybody else, you know, looking for something better, I fell in love early at the tender age of 14. And about a year and a half later, I was expecting our firstborn.”

“A counselor actually found a scholarship for me that I was perfect for. And she literally snatched me out of class. I hadn't had to do the application. And it was the Dale Davis scholarship. There was a basketball player in Indiana at the time, and I was the first recipient. And because of that scholarship, I was able to go to college.”

“I kind of felt like I was punished, because I was wanting to better myself. But at the same time, because I wanted to better myself, I couldn't take advantage of some of the free help that was available.”

“I know something's wrong with me because of what I've been through, but I need to figure out what's wrong with me, so I don't damage him. And so through that journey of self=discovery and self-healing and getting healthy, I learned of my PTSD and what types and all of it.”

“It is hard to get support. I asked for help very easily. I don't always wait for the answer. Because if I'm asking, I need it, and if you're not quick to help me, then for whatever reason, you're not going to and then I just move on.”

"I just am a project based person who's making myself available to corporations, individuals, and small businesses to help them save money and time.”

“You would have never told me that I would have been an entrepreneur. I mean, I really thought that I was either going to be a

Kelly welcomes Helen Hicks to the podcast this week.  A counselor with a Masters in Business, and a single mother of five, Helen knows a thing or two about multitasking.  She first got pregnant at the age of 19 at the hands of an abusive boyfriend turned abusive parent, and then went on to finish school with a bachelor’s degree in psychology with the help of a free daycare.  Despite how busy Helen was while both studying and parenting, her ex, who didn’t remain in contact with his children, wanted lower and lower child support rates and the ability to control where she could live.  Her sons struggled without a father figure as they grew up - one of the reasons why she encouraged her children to start going to therapy.  When they did, her children even started calling her out for using her “therapist voice” in the home.  

After the dust settled, Helen started dating again, and she recalls the chaos of it all.  When her children were still young, she implemented a new practice in the home where she could have private time for a short period during the day.  Looking back, she feels like it made her a better parent, while also noting that she owes a lot of her success as a parent to her experience as a counselor.  Helen and Kelly draw this episode to a close as they chat about Helen’s podcast What Would Helen Say, which showcases real life therapy sessions with clients of hers. They also discuss her upcoming book, The Parenting Treatment Plan, which has a similar aim: to help parents parent, instead of fighting for the right to parent in the first place - a shift that, as you will hear today, makes all the difference. 

The Finer Details of This Episode: 

• Getting pregnant at the age of 19
• The expensive side of childcare
• Hicks’ bachelor's degree in Psychology
• Her mother’s paranoia
• Leaving an abusive partner
• Her ex’s lack of contact
• Child support
• Her sons’ experiences lacking a father figure
• The chaos of dating as a single mom
• Her second divorce
• Her son’s decision to leave the nest
• Setting aside personal time for herself
• Parenting as a counselor
• What Would Helen Say?
• Fighting for the right to parent

Quotes: 

“He was just like, ‘Let me know.  Send me a picture’.”

“Many people never saw that side of her until much later in life.”

“I have been working with kids in nonprofits and things of that nature. And in working with kids, you have to work with parents, as well. And I encountered so many parents who were like, do you work with adults? Can I work with you.”

“I didn't find out until afterwards that other people had witnessed him mistreating my older boys, and nobody had said anything to me at all. They saw him. They told me after the fact.”

“I had to negotiate with them, because he had put into our divorce that I could not move without his permission. So I had to get in contact with him even though he had no contact for three years. I still had to negotiate with him. And part of that was to pretty much reduce his child support.”

“I know it's damaging for children to feel put in the middle of their parents… So I told them, you know, these are my feelings, because it's my experience. But you can have totally different feelings and totally different experiences. That's up to you. If you tell me you want to see him. Fine.”

“He had his perceptions of what parenting meant and what it looked like. And he tried to implement his view, despite me saying you don't work like that. But he wanted to pursue his idea of what should or shouldn't happen. That's ultimately what pushed the boys away, because he wasn't receptive to what they were saying.”

“They saw the tension between us and the arguments that would happen,...

Today Kelly welcomes Natasha Steer to the Single Mom Stories podcast.  Giving birth as a teenage mother and going it alone without the help of a partner, Natasha introduces the audience to her inspiring story in which she and her son moved from Toronto to China, traveled abundantly abroad, and they found solace in each other.  Natasha opens up the conversation by talking about her teaching career and how she completed her degree in five years, despite raising a child on her own.  Luckily, during this time, she received lots of support from her own mom so that she could enjoy some semblance of life as a “normal” 19 year old.  It was this unwavering support that allowed her to silence the haters and turn her cheek to the teen mom stigma.

A short eight years later, however, her life was far from normal.  She accepted a teaching position in China, where she and her son would live for the next four years.  During their time abroad, mother and son were able to travel all across Asia and eventually Europe.  Having graduated with a mountain of student debt, she’d finally reached a point in her financial life where she could spend money on surprises for her son.  Natasha draws this episode to a close as she talks about spending the entirety of her adult life with her son.  With her son, now 18, ready to begin his own adult life, she finds that she’s returning to herself for the first time since she was a child, and she’s even picked up a few old hobbies.  

The Finer Details of this Episode: 

• Natasha’s jump into her teaching career
• The importance of familial support
• How children change your priorities
• Facing the teen mom stigma
• Raising a child and starting a career
• Moving with her son to China
• The uncertainty of living abroad
• The joy in surprising her son
• Spending your entire adult life with your child
• Picking up old hobbies

Quotes: 

“So I had my son quite young. I was 19, and I hadn't started university yet. So I waited until he was just about two, and then I started the programs… and that took me about five years.”

“It was the first night my son was home from the hospital, and I was about to run out the door with two of my teenage friends. And I sort of caught sight of him, and I was like, ‘Whoa, what do I do with that?’”

“I was just another single teen mom trying to navigate a narrative that had been put on me.”

“That was maybe one of the hardest things I think about living abroad, that thought process and that uncertainty: Where do we go back? And do we go back?”

“Traveling over there is very different than it is here. It's a lot less money on flights. You know, you can go to Japan for the weekend.  You can go wherever for the weekend.  We had a lot of vacation time. They had a Fall Festival, Spring Festival, and Chinese New Year.”

“Being able to sort of navigate the travel world, and get a little bit more comfortable buying the tickets, organizing the things, and planning it all out meant that I could offer him some of those opportunities.”

“I mean, you think about how you started the journey: 19, no money, no college education, and all by yourself. And you're at this point where you're traveling to 40 countries with your son. I mean, that's so special.”

“I can't speak for all single moms, but I think that you get comfortable being on your own.”

Links: 

Kelly Travis 

​​Kelly Travis on Instagram

Single Mom Stories...

J. Rosemarie joins Kelly on the podcast today to give her perspective on raising her children as a single mom and coming out the other side.  She first became a single mom when she came home one day to find that her husband had abandoned her and her children, taking valuables with him, including the kids’ piggy bank.  Rosemarie admits that those first few years were hard, and she remembers fondly the moments when even random strangers would come to her rescue.  It wasn’t until she started going to group therapy with other single parents that she realized that she wasn’t alone in this life.  It was also the first time that she was forced to reckon with the negative perception of being a single mom.  

Likewise, she remembers struggling to balance a job whilst being a single parent, and how, for a while, she suffered from imposter syndrome and couldn’t juggle the many hats she was forced to wear.  Rosemarie goes on to talk about a topic few on this podcast have: raising your children to leave the home.  As an empty nester, she’s often overwhelmed with this sense of loss for her children, but she reminds herself of how proud of them she is. Now that she is on her own, she has finally found the time to take care of herself, and after years of putting others first, she’s glad that she is at last her number one priority. 

The Finer Details of This Episode:

• Being abandoned unexpectedly
• The value in the kindness of strangers
• Her experience in group therapy
• The negative perception of single moms
• Imposter Syndrome
• A lack of foundation during Rosemarie’s childhood
• Juggling a job as a single mom
• Raising your children to leave the home
• The importance of taking care of herself

Quotes: 

“And then as I went to walk through the house, I realized that, you know, my ex had just packed, left, and took even the kids’ piggy bank.”

“I thought I was the only one, you know, going through all this mental anguish… And I thought to myself, ‘it would be nice if all single moms at the time tried this resource.’”

“It took me six years to start the podcast, because my mind just told me that, one: nobody wanted to hear it.”

“It's really scary, because I didn't have to think about just me.”

“Kids are resilient, and it's not as bad as you think.”

“It's inevitable, and it's not a loss. It's something for you to be proud of that you raised these humans on your own. And now they're good enough, big enough, and old enough to raise their own humans.”

“The children need a father.  Hopefully their father is willing and able, but at the very least, find your child a male mentor who can be a good example to him.”

Links:

Solo Moms Talk Website

J. Rosemarie on Instagram

J. Rosemarie on Facebook 

Kelly Travis 

​​Kelly Travis on Instagram

Single Mom Stories Homepage

Single Mom Stories Instagram

Kelly goes it solo again on this week’s episode of Single Mom Stories, as she discusses the immense guilt and shame that single parents feel, especially when they compare themselves to their fellow coupled peers.  This undeserved shame and guilt partially stem from the stigma surrounding single parenthood, but also a large portion stems from within.  Many single parents experience feelings of inadequacy out of fear that they’re being bad parents in the absence of their “other half,” and it’s certainly hard to dig oneself out of that negative mindset.  

That’s why Kelly goes on to talk about coping techniques to help single parents overcome unnecessary guilt and shame that they burden themselves with.  At the end of the day, we’re all just doing the best we can, and it’s important to remember that.  As a coach, Kelly likes to help her clients create positive mindsets and healthy thinking patterns.  So in this particular case, when worries about being a bad parent creep in, start focusing on neutral and eventually positive thoughts if possible.  Shifting oneself towards a neutral mindset, away from negativity that plagues the minds of single parents, isn’t always easy, but it’s most certainly worth it for the children’s sake and that of the parents. 

The Finer Details of This Episode:

• Undeserved shame and guilt surrounding single motherhood
• Single motherhood stigma
• Feelings of inadequacy
• Worries about being a bad parent
• Creating a positive mindset
• Using neutral thoughts to move through negativity

Quotes: 

“Motherhood in particular, as Brene Brown will tell you, is a big shame trigger for women; single motherhood even more so. And I've even noticed in having conversations with women around this single mom podcast, there's like an apology about the label.”

“I don't really want to call myself a single mom. And I think that so many of us don't want to wear that identity, because there's such a negative connotation, and it carries more shame.”

“So we need to get away from this feeling that we need to apologize to people who are still in relationships, and explain ourselves as though still being in relationships makes other people experts at something that we failed at.” 

“If we let definitions of good parenting or relationships impact us, we have expectations of ourselves that are not realistic.”

“When people ask me, ‘How do you do it? I just say, ‘You would be able to do it too.’ We figure it out. And is every day beautiful? No, definitely not. It's exhausting, and I'm in tears a lot. Nobody's going to lie about that. But we're all doing the best that we can in the circumstances we have.  And some days are amazing. And some days are just shit.”

Links:

Kelly Travis 

​​Kelly Travis on Instagram

Single Mom Stories Homepage

Single Mom Stories Instagram